Talking About the Assault

As you already know, different people can have very different reactions to assault. While everyone's specific situation is unique, we would like to describe a few general ways, in which many react, when it comes to talking to their partner about the assault. You might find yourself in some of the models, or in none of them, but in either case, they could help you decide on your own strategy. 

Tell anyone? Are you mad?!

No one must ever know. I’d rather die than tell anyone, especially my partner. This is a private affair.

This is a common sentiment among rape survivors. You may believe that you can handle everything on your own, or that you can’t tell anyone because you wouldn’t be understood or supported anyway.

Finding Support

If you don’t in fact have any supportive people who could hear you, it’s still important to share your story with somebody. The reason is that sexual assault is much, much harder to deal with alone and will inevitably bleed into the rest of your life whether you like it or not.

It's a Crime

Rape is indeed “private,” but it’s also illegal, and if your rapist has assaulted you, there is a chance they will assault others, too. The nature of the crime is more personal, but it is a crime nevertheless, and you are not required to bear the burden alone. Of course, there are cases where telling your partner may really be a bad idea, but it’s vital for your healing that you find someone you trust to witness your healing and help carry your burden.

I want to tell someone – maybe my partner – but I just can’t bring myself to.

This is understandable. When’s the right moment? What words should you use? What if they blame you?

How to Tell Your Partner

If you’re having a hard time speaking up, try to let your partner know that you’d like to talk about something important beforehand, but that you need them to be accepting and to just hear what you have to say. Don’t spring the information on them, but when you’re both calm and won’t be disturbed, say something like, “I need you to listen to and support me right now. I don’t need anything but for you to just hear my story. I’ve experienced a sexual assault and I’m trying to come to terms with everything. This is what I need you to do to support me.” Then explicitly ask for what you need – time, advice, affection etc. - and then give them the chance to respond to what they’ve heard.

I want to tell someone, but not yet.

You may feel that speaking out eventually is something you want and need to do – but only later. This may be your own intuition asking you to wait while you process a few things for yourself. And this is your choice.

Legal Action

If you want to prosecute or pursue the matter legally, you may consider reporting the crime and pressing charges, as well as gathering information to support your case. This needs to be done quickly.

However, if you feel that you’re not quite ready to share your story with others, that’s OK too.

I’ve already told someone – and it didn’t go well.

Sadly, this is a possibility. Rape and sexual assault can affect those around you, too. Your partner, especially, may feel many strong emotions and will also need time to process the news, for themselves. They may be angry, distant, sad, shocked, or even unsure of how to behave around you.

Cater to Your Needs

Ask for what you need in terms of support and try, as best you can, to accept their response for what it is. Try to remember that you are not responsible for the assault, and so are not responsible for the fallout – including the emotions of those closest to you. If you find that they are too wrapped up in their own feelings about the assault, it’s probably for the best that you seek support from a counsellor or psychologist instead – that’s what they’re there for!

I’ve told someone already and I feel much better about everything.

Great! It can often be a surprise to see just how supportive people are willing to be when unfortunate things happen. Try to thank them and show appreciation for their support. Remember that this may be their first time dealing with something like this, and they will be unsure of how to help.

Help Your Loved Ones Help You

They may be following your lead, so be clear about what you would like from them – ask directly for the kind of support you need and when you receive it, let them know how much it means to you. The vast majority of people are more than willing to understand and support, if they know how to do it.

I’m ready to tell someone, but this all happened so long ago!

That’s OK! Be prepared for inevitable questions about why you waited. Try to see this as curiosity rather than rudeness, and if you can, explain exactly why you did wait. Be prepared that telling others will re-open some old wounds, but stick it out. Your body and mind are ready now to deal with the trauma. You may discover that the support of others and releasing the burden is an amazing relief.