Helping Another Cope with Assault

You can use this information to help you communicate with your loved one, as you process the event, or you can even send them a link to this page and ask them to read through it themselves.

When someone you care about tells you about their sexual assault, you may experience a rush of mixed emotions. Most people are keen to do whatever they can to help, but feel at a loose end – what can they say? What can they do?

Ask and Listen

The best way to know how to support your loved one, of course, is to ask them. The trouble is, processing the trauma of the assault can be very difficult, and they may be feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope or to ask for your help.

What You Can Do

Don’t rush or force anything.

As much as you can, try to communicate that they are allowed to feel what they feel, and that you will not be disappointed in them in any way as they grapple with the aftermath. Avoid suggesting that what they are feeling is wrong, and try to resist interpreting their experience for them.

Don’t offer your opinion unless they ask for it.

They may be overwhelmed with information – processing your thoughts on the matter may prove to only add more stress. Opinions can often be interpreted as judgments, so try to offer support rather than opinions.

Keep your advice practical.

They may be too caught up in their emotions to think clearly about practical issues. As someone outside of that trauma, you can help immensely by providing them useful and practical information, for example calling to book a doctor’s appointment or researching the reporting procedure in your area.

Respect their decisions.

You might not agree with them about whether they should report the crime to the police or tell family members, but try to respect that it’s ultimately their decision.

Don’t assume what they are comfortable with.

If they have confessed the incident to you, try to follow their lead. They may not be willing to answer intimate questions or have you share sensitive information they tell you with others.

If they delayed telling you, or you found out about the assault some other way, besides being told outright, try not to take it personally.

Sexual assault and rape can be devastating. Trust that whether you were told or not doesn’t have anything to do with you and that it’s not an insult if they chose to tell someone other than you. Try to keep in mind that the decisions they made were likely in their best interests at the time.

Whatever you do, believe what you are told.

Don’t assume anything. Even acting confused or asking a lot of questions about the assault can leave a survivor feeling doubted and second-guessed. Asking them to justify their behavior or explain themselves can feel like being victimized all over again. Just listen.

Be careful about touching.

You may think nothing of it, but double check that a hug, for example, would be well received before offering one.

They may need some time to sort things out for themselves, and during this time your relationship may change somewhat.

Be patient and let things evolve as they will.

If you shared a sexual relationship, you’ll need to tread carefully for the first few weeks after an assault.

Keep communication open as much as possible and try to demonstrate love and affection outside of sex while they deal with the trauma.