How to Tell Your Story

During the early stages of healing, it may be your that your physical body is reeling from shock and trying to organize and understand your experience. As we’ve seen, the traumatized body may have trouble sleeping, may have a compromised immune system, or may experience strange aches and pains.

After Physical Healing 

But once you’re physically safe and have processed the bodily trauma, another layer of work emerges: what does the assault mean? How does it fit into your world and the way that you view yourself?

In the moments after an assault, your mind will be focused on the practical questions, as it should be. Your fight, flight or freeze response will do its best to keep you safe and alive. After this, though, you may start to find yourself focused on other questions – and these may start to form the basis of the story you tell yourself about the assault.

Taking Control of Your Story

Here lies an amazing opportunity for healing. After all, your abuser had control over your life for just a short period of time – you have the rest df your life to choose how to respond to that.

The question of “why me” will creep into your mind again and again, and you’ll need to find answers for yourself.

Here is described a final exercise that you can do once you feel that you’ve moved through most of your physical processing, but remembering that no two people experience their healing in the same way, so you can also try it even if you haven’t.

Your Opinion

Below are some hypothetical statements from people who have experienced sexual assault. Read through each one and take a moment to note your response to it. Do you agree? Disagree? Really disagree? Do you have something to add?

I like to call myself a survivor, not a “victim”, because I think being a victim is disempowering.

I like to think of the things I survived – and am better for! (What words do you use to talk about what happened? What labels do you give the other person and yourself?)

We live in a world where accidents happen.

Bad things happen to good people. I was just unlucky. It sucks, but I refuse to go looking for some deeper meaning about why it happened. (How does your experience fit into your worldview?)

Rape is a thing that happened to me - it’s not my entire identity.

It was awful, but it wasn’t the only thing that happened to me. I’m not defined by that alone. I have other things going on in my life, too. (What values do you want to give to the experience?)

I find all this self help nonsense offensive.

Nobody is in complete control of their destiny. But you can make yourself safer. I find it empowering to think about it pragmatically – take a self-defense course! Press charges! (What are the benefits of a more pragmatic view on things?)

Rape is a feminist issue.

It’s about the systematic repression and control of women. But I can make changes, and I intend to be vocal about what happened to me instead of hiding away in shame. (Do you feel the need to answer the question, why do people commit sexual assault?)

What happened to me is nobody’s business but mine.

(What do you feel about reporting your experience?)

I can heal.

I am a good person worthy of love and safety and in time, I will get better. (Do affirmations like this one make you feel better? Worse? Indifferent?)

My sexual assault was a wake-up call.

It was awful, but it taught me a lot about myself. (Have you learnt anything from your experience?)

My sexual assault was my fault.

I deserved it. (it’s OK to admit if you still feel this – remember, nobody’s experience is the same)

I feel that this is a part of my life and my history, and so I want people to know about it.

It was a big deal for me, and I don’t want to be ashamed and deal with it all by myself. People need to know. (Do you agree? Who do you want to know about your assault? Everyone? Just sexual partners? Family? Doctors? Nobody?)

To be honest, I’ll get over it.

It’s all this dwelling on things that makes it worse for me. (Do you feel that you’re not as upset as you “should” be and that you are happy to minimize the experience?)

Using The Experience

Some women use their experiences as a spring board to talk about issues and help others with similar problems. Others take the event and use it to ask themselves some hard questions, ending toxic relationships or realizing that they need to improve their level of self care.
 
Some will turn to religious and spiritual ideas to explain and deal with the questions they have, others will find relief and meaning in tackling the problem practically. Some women elevate the assault to their defining life moment, living in regret and shame for the rest of their lives, others grow and blossom afterwards, finding a new appreciation and joy for living and for the miracle of healing.
 
Nobody deals with sexual assault the same way – what will your story be?