Sexual Assault and Your Relationship

Long after the physical wounds (if there even were any) have healed, the emotional and psychological wounds remain.

If you’ve been sexually assaulted, you may have difficulty resuming your sex life and may find that a significant part of your healing will be in this area. You may be mortified to discuss this with others and your service providers may equally feel that it’s not really any of their business.

Sexual Assault and Feelings About Sex 

“Rape is not about sex” is true in a sense, but in another sense, it’s all about sex. All of the following are normal and possible feelings to develop after an assault:

• I feel dirty, ashamed and completely broken

• I can’t do anything sexual without being reminded of the event

• I feel panicky when I receive any sexual attention

• I have zero libido these days and don’t even want to think about sex

• I feel like I have a higher libido than usual

• I feel like I have a higher libido than usual, and I’m so ashamed - how could I feel that way?

• I resent my partner, even though none of it is their fault

• I feel obliged to have sex with my partner and I only feel dread at the idea

• I have shameful feelings and memories, around the assault. I find myself being turned on by shocking and violent ideas all of a sudden

• I worry that people will think of me as “damaged goods”

• I’m having trouble reaching orgasm

• I feel pain

Your Body Is Healing 

All of the above are normal reactions of men and women who have been assaulted. It’s a seldom discussed aspect of healing from a trauma of this kind, but keep in mind that whatever your body and mind do after an assault, it’s likely to make sense of the trauma and help with your healing.

Accept Your Own Process 

Your path to healing your sexuality after a sexual assault will be your own. Remember to be patient and accepting of the route your body has chosen for you. We’ll be exploring, in a few sections, how to speak to your partner about your healing. In the mean time, try not to add trauma to trauma, by forcing yourself to feel something you don’t actually feel. Take a break from sexual activity if you feel you need it, and keep up loving, open communication with any sexual partners so that they can accompany you on your healing.

Exercise

Write down one or two needs or desires you have, with respect to your relationship with your partner, if you have one. If you like, share this with them and see how their expectations compare to yours.