But…Why Me?

If you’ve been exposed to literature about rape before, you may have seen all the same “it’s not your fault” messages and when you see them here, you may be tempted to think, “yes yes I know all of that…”

Perceptions of Rape

But then you may wonder deep down if this all really applies to you. Sadly, the nature of rape as a crime and the way our society understands it leaves a lot to be desired. Rape is simply a crime for which people have limited or complicated sympathy. We imagine that rapists are strangers who lurk in the bushes, because it’s more difficult and uncomfortable to think of a loved one as being the rapist. Perhaps we also like to imagine that we ourselves would never fall victim to a crime like rape, and so when someone else does, we tend to ask, “what did they do to deserve it, though?”

The Effect on You

If you’ve internalized this way of thinking about rape, you may be second-guessing yourself. If an upstanding, married woman who unconsciously thinks of rape as something that only happens to single, drunk girls in bars, then she is terribly equipped to deal with her own trauma, when her husband rapes her. It seems so unlikely – surely she must have done something to cause it?

Does It Apply to You? 

Perhaps you’ve read through some of this material and thought to yourself, “this is all fine, but it doesn’t describe my situation very well, because I did sleep with him once before, and I’m honestly not even sure he knew what he was doing because he was drunk and…”

Ambiguity 

The question of “why me?” may haunt you. It’s easy to get hung up on it because the rest of the world may well join in with your doubt. Police will ask what you were wearing. Incredulous friends will wonder out loud why you didn’t fight back. You may start to worry about what “message” you sent in this way or that way.

You and Your Circumstances

Let’s be crystal clear: whatever the details of your assault may be, one thing is for sure - it was not your fault. Feeling unsure if your experience even “counted” as rape, sexual harassment, or abuse is a very common experience for survivors. In a way, trying to understand what you did wrong is like the brain’s way of making sense of the situation – at least if you know why you’re to blame, you can avoid doing it again in the future, right?

Unfortunately, this line of thinking will not facilitate your healing, only trip it up. You can let the academics or law-makers debate “grey areas” and the nature of consent. If you’ve experienced an unwanted sexual encounter, it is OK to call it rape, or sexual assault. Why did it happen? Well, it’s a difficult question, but you can let it go because the answer has nothing to do with you, or something you’ve done.

Exercise

As you move along your healing path, you may stumble on this question of “why me?” Some people know, clear as day, that what happened to them was 100% wrong, but others may feel more conflicted, particularly if the rapist was close to them. In your journal or diary, try to jot down any feelings of this kind. It may feel cheesy at first, but look into a mirror and tell yourself, “what happened to me was not my fault.”

Say this a few times. Daily, if you can. You may find it extremely uncomfortable. Just go with it. Watch for your mind trying to jump in with, “yes, but…” and justifications for why you kind of, maybe, just a little bit deserved it. Keep saying this line to the mirror, and try to really feel that it’s true. Note how this exercise makes you feel in your journal.