Rape is understandably portrayed as devastating. But the truth is that many survivors experience a far wider range of emotional responses than what you’ll see portrayed online or in TV crime series.
Online or on TV, the predominant idea of a “rape victim” is often a dark image of a young woman, covering her face, crouched in a corner or crying into her hands. In fact, there is a wide range of emotions and thought that could be triggered by rape, and everyone is entitled to their own.
Elizabeth was assaulted at her place of work by a colleague after hours. She confided in a close friend, who’s immediate response was, “oh, you must be feeling so depressed. I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on.” This somehow made things worse for Elizabeth – she didn’t feel depressed at all. In fact, she felt a blind rage and anger about what happened, and didn’t want a shoulder to cry on, but solid legal advice on what her chances were should she press charges against her assailant.
Elizabeth’s response wasn’t wrong or right. There is no “should” when it comes to the ways we individually process trauma. In the same way that there’s no arguing with the physical sensations you experience (like the pain of a scorpion sting!), there’s no point framing subjective experiences as right or wrong. They just are what they are.
So, now that you’ve ensured that you’re safe and you’ve taken care of practical matters, you can move on to just experiencing …whatever it is that you’re experiencing.
When you experience a traumatic event, your body fills with stress hormones and goes into full panic. Putting your body into fight-flight-or-freeze mode is very disruptive. However, once the traumatic event is passed, your body is still filled with stress hormones. They evolved to help you flee or fight a dangerous situation, but they need to be metabolized – i.e. your body needs to process them, physically.
If you immediately keep going, put on a brave face for others and force yourself to act like nothing happened, what do you think will happen to those chemicals? If you never tell a soul, push out any thoughts of the event and berate yourself for feeling the wrong way, what you’re doing is holding onto the trauma in the form of those stress hormones.
Cortisol in particular, can wreak havoc to your system if it’s not “discharged.” Stress hormones can weaken the immune system, disrupt wound healing, affect digestion, disturb your cognitive processes, dampen your mood and even affect your fertility. There is nothing really supernatural about it – when you “hold onto” or suppress your body’s natural stress reactions, you essentially lock yourself into a traumatic moment, never giving yourself the chance to “complete the cycle.”
Animals in the wild who experience incredible trauma will sometimes shake violently for a few moments afterwards. This is because movement is a good way to discharge the extra energy that your body created to deal with the danger or flee it. What is the human equivalent of shaking?
Well, your body will tell you. You may need to sleep for a very long time; you may need to shout and scream and yell; you may need to go for a long brisk walk, a heart-pounding run or a vicious gym session. You may need to eat and zone out for a bit. You may need to cry and sob uncontrollably for a few minutes. Whatever it is, take your body’s cue and do what you need to in order to “get it out of your system.” Feel what you feel.
Let go and allow your emotions to be what they are. Don’t judge what comes up; merely give your body and mind the time to react to what has happened.