Now that you have identified patterns for each of you, you can move on to identifying how you react to each other. Patterns in couples are typically about us responding to each other's emotional expressions. For example: If you need a lot of praise but don't get it then you may feel that you are useless (primary feeling) in your partner's eyes, and you respond with irritation (secondary). Your partner will again have a reaction to this irritation that is about his or her needs. For example, if your partner is in need of closeness, then your irritation can evoke a feeling of loneliness in her. But instead of showing that she feels lonely, she may be accusing you. Those accusations may again have a negative effect on you. This is how you couples get into a negative spiral.

In this step you will identify your negative spiral. To do so, identify how you react to each other's secondary feelings. Also, use the information you have from the previous steps. Here you can either fill in the form "Our relationships pattern" or write down on a sheet, like this:

When partner A shows her secondary feeling that is ________________________,

then it affects Partner B's need for ___________________________.

Partner B then reacts with a secondary feeling that is ___________________________________.

When Partner B reacts with _______________________________________ (same as above),

then again, this affects partner A's need for ___________________________________,

and this makes partner A show a secondary feeling that is ________________________________.

Sometimes you need to work a little to find a negative spiral that you both agree on. This can sometimes lead to experiences of being accused, misunderstood and defined. To avoid this, try to take responsibility for your own feelings and reactions, and let the other person explore how he or she reacts to your emotional expressions. Try to be honest with yourself and your partner. If you do not get to the finish, leave it alone, look at it separately by yourself, and try again later when you both feel ready for it.

Many who find such a pattern may find it useful and good. It is as if the problem is more clearly identified and that it does not feel as if one of the partners is to blame. Remember that it is the pattern that is the problem, not the individual partner. Your task together ahead is to help each other break out of this spiral.